"I Know It Is Illogical" -- 4 Tips For Overcoming Your Fear Of Negotiating
From an award-winning podcaster who deals with this fear just like you do. Here's Vol. 4 of 110 Money Stories
Hi, my friend!
I interviewed more than 110 people in writing my book, “Ask Questions, Save Money, Make More: How To Take Control Of Your Financial Life.” To keep the book from being about 700 pages long, an enormous amount of useful information and many interesting stories simply had to end up on the cutting-room floor, unseen. Until now.
This is the fourth in a series called 110 Money Stories, in which I’ll share some of the best stuff that didn’t quite make it into the book. The series will include a diverse group of voices and touch on a wide variety of topics, but it will always live up to the promise I made to you with this newsletter: Every story will have some takeaway that you can use and apply to your own financial life.
Enjoy!
Chris Browning talks for a living, has an award-winning podcast that has been downloaded more than two million times, and is often still scared to death to negotiate.
“I know it is illogical, but that fear of pushing too much is always there,” Browning said.
Millions of Americans wrestle with exactly this. I know I do – even though, like Browning, I talk in public for a living -- and I bet you might, too.
Does this sound familiar?
“Your mind automatically flips to not just completely forget about the possible benefits of asking but to think, ‘No, they're going to take away everything from me,’” Browning said. “They’re going to be angry that you even pushed the envelope at all or weren't just appreciative of what they first gave you, and it's going to end with something worse than if you kept your mouth closed. That fear always kind of creeps in.”
That’s true for Browning even though he has released nearly 500 episodes of his award-winning podcast called “Popcorn Finance,” been featured in the New York Times, Newsweek, CNBC and countless other big media outlets and done public speaking gigs for many years. (He also hosts the “Money Burst” podcast with Truliant Federal Credit Union, and the “Our Two Cents” podcast with Million Stories and ProfitHub. He’s a busy guy.) He has also heard similar concerns from his podcast audience, some of whom say they never ask for anything because they’re simply too nervous to even start the process for fear of getting rejected or even looking like an idiot.
That fear, however, often leads to people paying more than they should and earning less than they should. It even persists when people know that they’re highly likely to be successful with their request.
So how do you change that? I spoke with Browning, one of the most respected podcasters in the personal finance space and someone I’ve known for many years, about what he has done to feel more confident in standing up for himself and negotiating in the past.
His primary advice: “You have to do whatever you can to try to ground the situation and make it something less scary than your mind sometimes wants to make it be.”
That can be easier said than done, of course, but here are a few tips Browning shared to help you the next time you’re nervous about making a call.
Remember that you’re just inexperienced.
Most anything can be hard and scary the first time, even things that may seem silly to others. Even things like making a doctor’s appointment or calling an office to get their hours.
“These are things that we all do now as adults that are no big deal, but back in the day, it was the scariest thing in the world,” Browning said. “You put on your adult voice. You try to sound mature or like you’re out of a play or something, trying to ask this question about what time the store closes. It's because you have no practice, right? It's scary because you've never done it. Nothing bad is going to happen to you, but you just haven't had that experience to prove to yourself that this isn't scary and something that you can do.”
Also, the truth is that you’re likely not as inexperienced as you think. You’ve probably negotiated with a roommate or partner about what temperature to set the thermostat in your home or who will walk the dog when you both are overloaded with work. You’ve worked with friends and relatives on where and when to go to dinner. You’ve talked with coworkers about when to have a meeting. All of these are negotiations. They may not seem as pressurized as asking a bank to waive a late fee, but they’re still negotiations that you’ve successfully managed. That should give you confidence that you can handle that phone call to your credit card issuer.
Remind yourself that the people you’re speaking with are just people.
It can be easy to feel intimidated when negotiating with someone. They probably know more than you. They’ve probably been trained to handle people who ask for things. They’ve probably done a million similar conversations.
While all of that may be true, it is still important to understand that, ultimately, they’re just people with a job to do, just like the rest of us. Browning said that has helped him feel better about negotiations in the past.
“These are just regular people. They're just there trying to do their job just like you did back in the day,” said Browning, who worked a lot in retail when he was younger. “Reframing it that way humanizes it a little bit.”
Know that a little bit of homework can go a long way.
There is simply no substitute for knowing what you’re talking about. Browning said doing his homework about car prices – and the things that dealerships often add on to bump up the overall price for customers – made a huge difference when it came time to shop for and haggle over a new car purchase.
“I felt more comfortable asking for what I felt I should get because I felt like I was armed with all this information,” Browning said. “I was still extremely nervous. I was still freaked out when I was sitting there having to push back whenever they gave me some horrible offer that they threw out there at the beginning, but that was the only way I could find to get my nerves steadied.”
Of course, that doesn’t mean that you need to be an expert on a topic to be able to negotiate around it. Often it doesn’t take much more than a simple Google search: For example, “What’s the average price of a 2024 Honda CR-V in my area?” or “What add-ons should I expect to be offered at a car dealership and are any of them worth it?” These simple questions can help you feel more confident that the price that you ask for is a reasonable price – and as Browning said, that can make the ask feel much more comfortable.
Bonus tip: Try role-playing.
One of my favorite suggestions for those who are nervous about making a phone call or asking for something face-to-face is to role-play the conversation before you make the real ask.
It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate, but working with a trusted friend, relative or colleague to play out how the conversation could go can be useful. I suggest doing it three times.
First, keep it short and simple and have everything go perfectly.
The second conversation can include some pushback, but should ultimately end well. For example, the person could ask why you incurred the late fee and what you’ve done to make sure that you won’t pay late again.
The third and final one should be even rockier. For example, maybe the person on the other end of the phone rejects your request immediately and gets combative after having had a bad day on the job.
Of course, the real conversation may play out completely differently from any of the pretend versions. That’s OK. These dry runs can help just by forcing you out of your comfort zone, helping you think through how the actual conversation could go and reassuring you that when pushback does come, you’ll be able to handle it.
Share your experiences!
Have you ever been so scared that you couldn’t bring yourself to raise your hand, ask for help or negotiate something? Have you ever helped someone who has been in that situation? I’d love to hear about it.
Share it in a comment below.
Until next time,
Matt