If only all brides and grooms did these things for their wedding party...

Vol. 3 of our 110 Money Stories series is all about how one summer bride focused on helping her besties make memories without breaking their budget

Hello there, my friend! I interviewed more than 110 people in writing my book, “Ask Questions, Save Money, Make More: How To Take Control Of Your Financial Life.” To keep the book from being about 700 pages long, an enormous amount of useful information and many interesting stories simply had to end up on the cutting-room floor, unseen. Until now.

This is the third in a series called 110 Money Stories, in which I’ll share some of the best stuff that didn’t quite make it into the book. The series will include a diverse group of voices and touch on a wide variety of topics, but it will always live up to the promise I made to you with this newsletter: Every story will have some takeaway that you can use and apply to your own financial life.

Enjoy!

Erin Miller and her bridesmaids on her big day

It is so, so expensive to be in a wedding party, but it is also incredibly scary to talk to the bride or groom about your concerns.

Erin Miller knew that well. When it came time to plan her wedding, she wanted to handle things differently.

“I think from the very beginning we understood that this is a time to make memories, not break the budget,” said Miller, a reporter for WTKR-TV in Norfolk, Va.

“It was very much open communication. If you can't come because of finances, I love you just the same. If you have to back out, it's totally fine. That was definitely at the top of mind throughout the whole process.”

Making that clear from the outset can take an enormous amount of pressure off of the friends and family you’ve asked to be part of your wedding party. Part of what makes talking to a bride or groom about the cost of a wedding is simply that you don’t know how they’ll react…

How dare you? Are you trying to ruin my special day? If you were a real friend, you’d come, regardless of the cost. Why are you such a cheapskate?

Make no mistake, wedding cost talk often leads to friction – sometimes megaton explosions – between friends and family members all the time. There’s real risk to speaking up if you’re in the wedding party. However, being proactive like Miller was can make those blow-ups less likely.

Here's some of what she did…

• Asked key questions in advance. She sent an anonymous survey to the wedding party about the bachelorette party to gauge how much people are willing to spend, how many days they’re willing to go for and so on.

• Clearly communicated priorities. Miller had a bridal shower, along with her bachelorette party and the actual wedding ceremony itself. While the shower was a big deal for Miller’s family, Miller made it clear to out-of-town guests that it wasn’t one of her top priorities and the wedding party didn’t need to come. That clarity made it easier for people to make decisions about how best to spend their money.

• Learned from other people’s weddings and gave lots of advance notice when possible. Her wedding was in June, but she picked out her bridal party dresses “super early” in the process. That gave her friends and family the time to seek out the best deals for these dresses and minimize their costs. “That was something that my sister-in-law had done,” Miller said. “I loved that she did that for us, so I wanted to do that for the girls.”

• Stepped up financially to help cover a key cost for her bridesmaids. Miller had seen managing the cost of the bridal party’s hair and makeup become issues at other weddings. Rather than pressuring her friends and family into spending big on those things, she took on that expense herself, asking the bridal party members only to pay for the tip. “It was a lot of money,” Miller said, “but it was something that I knew was important to me, so I made adjustments in other places so they could have the option.”

Ultimately, what mattered most was simple, open and honest communication. It is the bedrock of any relationship -- romantic, platonic, professional or otherwise – but it doesn’t always happen around weddings. It is such a stressful, emotional and expensive time, and sometimes those stressors get the best of us.

You certainly can’t avoid all of the stress that comes along with your big day, of course. However, approaching your friends with some empathy and letting them know that it is OK to talk to you about their financial concerns around the event can go a long way to avoiding some of the stickiest problems you could face.

“From the very beginning,” Miller said, “I said to my friends, ‘I know that we all live in different places across the country. You don't need to be at everything. Come to what you can. I'll love you just the same.’”

Share your wedding story

Miller’s story isn’t typical, I know. Just a few days after writing this piece, I spoke to another friend who had just attended a destination wedding. After telling her what Miller had done, I asked my friend if their friend had done something similar. In a word: No.

I’m not asking you to call out your friends and family, but I’d love to hear your stories — good or bad — about wedding costs. Leave them in the comments below.

A moment of Zen

Lastly, I just wanted to share this picture, one of my favorites from my family’s just-completed trip to Yellowstone National Park. It was my first time, and it more than exceeded expectations. It basically blew my mind.

I’ll write more about the trip in a future post, but for now, this photo will have to do.

Are you taking a vacation this summer? Tell us about it!

Until next time,

Matt